Moments in which Nothing Happened

Returning from Florida, here in my old home for a few days before return to the city. And I have stories of denial and rejection from the past seven days.

Myra: I went to visit her, knowing her beau was out of the country. It was the evening and I stopped by on my bike. She looked out through the screen window when I rang the doorbell and couldn't see who it was, although it seemed like our eyes connected for a second or two before she asked who it was. Then she let me in and we sat on that couch together, separated by a foot, perhaps, their dog, and a newly-found resistance on her part.

Myra's skin is fair and her hair is blond, she has blue eyes. We spoke, exchanging basic small talk for a while. She was making stuffed animals for some novelty shop owner, I can only assume, in the city. Bears with their heads cut off. I left shortly because the atmosphere was so anodyne. And I couldn't tell if she wanted me to leave. Although she told me to stop by again sometime. I went to the bar and then received a message from her saying, that was a bad idea, that I'd freaked her out, that I shouldn't stop by. So after the bar I rode back over to the bar. We sat for a few moments on the stoop. My back to her. Nothing could come of this. We wouldn't be forgiven this time.

Blythe: my mind works methodically. Since Myra would not sleep with me, I knew not what to do. At least at first. Then yesterday when I was masturbating, the thought of lovely Jewish ex-girlfriend, so well endowed in all of the best ways, Blythe. We texted, planned to get together tonight.

We have a ritual. We spend hours talking about sex with each other. A little about the sex we've had with each other. But more about her sex life. Who she has been sleeping with. I have found vicarious accounts of her sexlife arousing since I first met her and she told me about being fucked one night by her boyfriend and his friend. Last night it was about the new guy she's been hanging out with. They won't have sex, apparently, meaning intercourse, but other things are game. This means that she gets down on all fours, while he is seated and sucks his cock arching her back as much as possible to present that beautiful lilt of flesh from the small of the back to her bottom. Or so I imagine.

I spent the night with my eyes trained on her cleavage. Occasionally imploring her to show me more. Finally, we started talking about my indecent proposition. Primarily indecent because it was such a paltry sum. I wanted to kiss her, to have her disrobe before me, for her to get down on hands and knees before me, turning towards me at first engorging my cock in her mouth, and then turning away from me as I fucked her from behind.

She let me give her a backrub. The rub is, that I mean too much to her. If we were to do it again, it would immediately lead to some emotional complications, because, as I have said in an earlier post, sex is our language. Now you can see to what degree.

As I walked down her stairs, to the door, she leaned over the ledge above, watching me leave. Her wonderful and full, so full breasts hanging just slightly over that ledge. During sex she would, after I showed her that I liked this, pull my face into her breasts while she was riding me. Then I would come inside of her. All of my future into her.

the list of notches on my bedpost

1. JLL (1991-93): she was 18. we were both virgins. on our first date she went down on me. went to a Catholic school for girls.
2. ANH (1993): she was 3 years older than me. a graduating senior. I was a sophomore. a poet. after a long drunken night with her, I woke up and said that her body was like a river.
3. K?A (1994-1999): she was a Deadhead. we smoked cigarettes after it. four fucking years of torture.
4. L?M (1996-1997): we slept together for at least a year during my relationship with KA. we were both graduate students. we'd meet in our offices at school and ...
5. DB (1999): Romanian. had won beauty contests in LA after her mother and she'd emigrated there. talked about skipping classes in highschool to go smoke weed and read Horace. we had sex for hours. something of an implicit between myself and the neighbor across the hall--whose woman was louder.
6. MC (1999-2003): our relationship lasted only a month but the sex stretched for years. we first met at a conference. when i met her i knew it wouldn't work. but alcohol got the best of me. got her pregnant. she had an abortion, but did not tell me until 2000.
7. LCB (2000): anthropologist. ex-girlfriend of my best friend. he'd introduced us on the topic of deterritorialization, bodies without organs, and the like. would never use a condom, although she'd recentlly gotten pregnant and then had an abortion. again, perhaps largely my inspiration. had to take her bed apart the week I visited her. too much noise. put the mattress on the floor. a total fucking basketcase, although incredibly functional, which I could say at that point, but no longer.
8. X(J)M (2000): mother of two at the age of 25. two wonderful boys, which I met on several occasions. she gave incredibly blowjobs and had no hangup about the location. once behind a movie theater.
9. LR (2000-2003): once fucked her on the same day as MC. MC came by in the afternoon. then that night LN, who was this tiny (5') Puerto Rican-Korean girl, hung out with me that night. I wondered, while she was sucking my cock, if she could smell the latex from teh condom used earlier with MC (i learned that lesson). no condom with LR, the mother of one beautiful daughter, she'd had at the age of 18.
10. Carolina (2000): she was Danish. although we kept in touch by email and letters, it was really a one night thing. she screamed so loud.
11. KHG (2000-2003): the love of my life. six years my junior. I'd show up at her apt., we'd close the door and start kissing, right there at the door and would walk no farther before we were naked on the floor and I was making her ejaculate noises which I can only imagine neighbors across the hall and downstairs must have heard.
12. RBU (2003-2005): the object of my obsessions. the best fuck, by far. i insisted on coming in her pussy. no condoms. not even in her mouth. it was the fantasy. pregnancy, forced marriage, a Volvo, etc. Summa cum Laude from Penn
13. LP (2005-2007): close friends with RBU and LR. I had my eye on fucking all three of them. but LP was the one I'd wanted first. but she was spending time with a close friend, and then another close friend dated her. our affairs are a secret to everyone except the two of us.
14. LM (2005): only once, really. it just wouldn't fit inside of her incredibly tight pussy. I know this is supposedly some fetishized state, but it just wouldn't work. and she was my JF of graduate school--JF I'd fallen in love with in my sophomore year of college--right before ANH--but I just couldnt' bring myself to have sex with her. both Michigan girls. in fact, LM reminded me so much of JF.
15. A? (2005-2006): ten years younger than me. could have been one of my students. our relationship lasted a week, I think. she has the most amazing wonderful breasts. of course, she was 22 then.
16. KVDV (2006): five years older than me. a Yalie, for which I fetishized her. and her sumptous ass. but as fucked up as me. and two fucked ups don't a normal person make. I was not allowed to touch her when we were trying to sleep, so fragile was her somnolent state. a mother insane. Connecticutt girl, wooed by rich boys who'd introduce her to Allen Ginsburg and the like (Mick Jagger's first wife, I think?). but a very smart girl. and this bedevils me more than anything.
17. NT (2006): had herpes. lovely girl. she gave the most incredible blowjobs. but despite the intense attraction to her, clearly a major practical problem.
18. YMB (2007): my girlfriend. a Michigan girl, which, has a certain resonance for me. but I am calm with her in ways I haven't felt for years (been too attracted to the girls that would argue with me). and Y will, but it's like, she states her position and then, it's over.
19. A?T (2007): one of two different betrayals this year. the other with LP. for how long have I known AT? she once cornered me in a bathroom, years back. and now I'd finally fucked her. just once really, and I consoled myself that time that things were at their worst with me and YMB. as usual, the result of my own fucked up state.

16 years of sex

of course, there were a lot of near misses:
OA (2000): who I wouldn't fuck because I knew she'd fall for me and I would never feel that way about her.
EI (2005): a close friend. we started spending some time together. but i couldn't fuck her for the same reasons ... and the opportunity only came up once ... a strange smell.
??? (2005): she was naked on my bed, on our first date, ready for me to fuck her. and my pipes refused to work.
B??: (2005): the roommate of LM. I can happily say that I broke the two of them apart. B had a crush on me as soon as she met me, but I just had no interest in her, because she was so damned ugly and stupid. not really stupid, but ignorant, I suppose. one night drunk. again, the pipes weren't functioning. thankfully.
W?? (2007): in the bathroom at a local restaurant. technically a betrayal--same week with AT and LP. but no sex. I met her that night, where I'd met a student of a colleague. he knew this girl and then we started talking dirty and well ...

on the desire to expose oneself in words

I have a predecessor! (I appeal to the inflection in those translated words of Nietzsche's in commentary on Spinoza)

"The sordid details of his orgies stank under his very nostrils: the sootcoated packet of pictures which he had hidden in the flue of the fireplace and in the presence of whose shameless or bashful wantonness he lay for hours sinning in thought and deed: his monstrous dreams, peopled by apelike creatures and by harlots with gleaming jewel eyes: the foul long letters he had written in the joy of guilt confession and carried secretly for days and days only to throw them under cover of night among the grass in the corner of a field or beneath some hingeless door or in some niche in the hedges where a girl might come upon them as she walked by and read them secretly."

James Joyce, Portrait of an Artist as a Young Man (III:488-499)