i am stuck between having nothing left to say here and extending the purpose of this journal. it seems as though continuing to engage it is transgression, even without the "real life" events that match its intentions. in short, i've been a good boy. except for the drive on saturday with blythe. trying to talk her into sleeping with me. no success. thankfully.
at one point in that drive, anya calls. i talk with her for a few minutes in front of blythe. and make a point of telling anya that i love her. because that is true. then i get off the phone and talk to blythe about how i am not really conflicted, since i can have those sincere expressions, but still have a sexual need that transcends that love.
today was the last day with my psychiatrist in this fair city, before i move. not much love lost. she was nice, helpful. but in an impersonal and meaningless way. only in our penultimate session did she express an interest in teh sexual phenomena i described. -how could it be sexual without contact? -two people masturbating in front of one another.
in fact, melissa took all of her clothese off. i hadn't even kissed her. she laid on her back on the floor and i stood over her. she never had a problem coming quickly through self-stimulation to orgasm. i unzipped my pants and pulled it out and stroked myself before her. also coming quickly to orgasm. i think i wanted her to lick the cum off my cock. but the quick appearance of guilt intervened before i could utter this intention and i made my way to the bathroom of that empty apartment.
otherwise, the doctor seemed unwilling to enter into my fantasy life. to allow me to narrate and pause over the salacious details.
i told her that i was going to start a journal in which i daily meditated on my life of infidelity. that it would be a project towards saving myself and those i love from the heartache that my tendencies fumble towards. i am considering the idea that this past is not an inevitable future. this does not mean i am looking for "conversion," as adrienne and i spoke about today.
one of those posts was to speculate on the event of anya's discovery. what would happen. perahps if i flesh out the details of this terrible proposition, it will reinforce the potential consequences of my actions.
